Smyg's game reminded me something I wrote while in High School. I had become obsesses with this website that gave text a dialect, so I used it for this. Enjoy my story.
Lord of the Flies part two: Rise of the fly lord.
“We are going down!” The plane crashes into the Island. A bunch of British school children run out of the flaming wreckage.
“Luckily none of us are injured,” says Biff Milligan, with an annoying British accent. Do they actually have to talk like that?
“So wait, a plane crashes into an island, all the adults are killed and we somehow all come out unscathed. And why are a bunch of British school kids doing in the middle of the South Pacific? Britian is in Europe. Europe is not in the South Pacific.
“Shut up fatty! You look like a pig, so I will call you porky.” Biff says.“Let’s gather the others.”
So they wander the beach rather aimlessly. You would think that if the plane crashed everyone would be together, but they all randomly teleported to different areas. Probably because British people are stupid.
In the mean time Biff is an exhibitionist, by the way, and in the absence of conventional social norms, he is free.
They find a conch shell on the beach. What is a conch shell, who knows? I think it is a magical nut that grants people the power to summon British school kids. That is very useful if you want to defeat Scots but isn’t very effective against Americans.
Biff blows the conch shell (that sounds dirty, but then again it is a bunch of male school kids on an Island, that is dirty enough) and all the British kids appeared.
“It looks like we are all stranded on an Island. Let’s constructed an advanced civilization with checks and balances and proportional representation. We must also construct Non government organizations like political parties and a free media to keep the democratically elected government accountable. We must also establish a Bureaucracy that will ensure all government decisions are enacted.
“Mah' dojigger be Ralph. Lop some boogie. ah' gots'ta use mah' choir boys t'establish de army. Slap mah fro! A'cuz as everyone knows, choir boys is great soldiers. We gots'ta kill all dose natives who oppose is great Empire! Right on! We gots'ta brin' civilizashun across de globe,” said Ralph
“No, we will be a peaceful civilization! A standing army will only lead to the threat of military occupation. We will depend on citizen soldiers called up at times of crisis supplemented by colonial auxiliaries and mercenaries.”
“Okay, we gots'ta be da damn hunters. We gots'ta hunt fo' food. We gots'ta kill de pigs,” said Ralph.
Civilization flourishes on the Island. Soon a problem arises.
“We spotted Brown skinned sucka's on de Island,” said Ralph at the state of the Island address. “Whut should be do?”
“I propose we establish an exploratory committee to investigate these claims. If these claims prove true, then we should establish a ministry of brown-skinned affairs to establish a policy to deal with them. All those in favor say aye!” Says Biff following parliamentary procedure.
“Aye!” can he heard from all those assembled. Porky is put in charge of the investigation committee which does indeed find savages desperately in need of European enlightenment. He then heads the Ministry of brown-skinned affairs. They develop a multi-point plan.”
Porky stand up in front of the congregation. “First we shall establish peaceful trading relations with the natives. Then we shall introduce a disease into their community. Then we should conquer them and use them as slaves, and exploit them economically.”
Everyone agrees to the plan.
Biff and a caravan carrying trade goods the natives would want (like bits of string and playing cards) go and meet the natives. The natives trade them gold, silver, and spices. Because they are stupid savages they don’t realize they are being ripped off.
“Well now we have initiated trade with them. How should we infect them with a disease?” Biff asks Porky.
“I dunno, I really did expect us to get this far. We should use our superior intellect to build some sort of WMD,” sasy Porky.
“Good plan. Hey, shouldn’t you be more useless and innfeffective. You are supposed to represent bureaucracy after all.”
So the scientists led by Porkyy develop a radioative virus. “The potion is almost complete,” says Porky after a hard day’s labor. “Just one more drop.”
Suddenly a fly falls into the open lid of the bottle Porky is working on. “No!” Porky yells. He tries to swat the fly away but is far too slow, because he is fat and fat people are slow. He instead knocks the bottle over. He breathes in the fumes from it. His body undergoes violent changes. He becomes, the Fly Lord! He flies off into the night. The next morning the boys come to see if their weapon is ready. They find the laboratory trashed and the potion gone.
“Dose browned skinned sucka's gots'ta have attacked! Right on! Dis be an 'suse fo' war! Right on! Let’s diminish deir civilizashun. Afta' we subjugate dem we kin play down ednic and religious rivalries t'keep control. Dey shall pay fo' destroyin' our weapon we wuz goin' t'use t'destroy dem wid! Right on!” Says Ralph.
Biff goes and writes a formal declaration of war with a list of grieviances in it. Then Ralph begins to lead the army against the Natives.
“Let’s employ an advanced strategy agains de natives. By usin' coo'dinashun between de various parts uh our army our tactics shall overcome deir shea' numbers. Our artillery shall bombard deir posishun, while our cavalry flanks dem. WORD! Our infantry shall maintain some constant fire t'diso'ganize dem. WORD! God Save da damn Queen. 'S coo', bro.” Ralph tells his officers. The army marches off towards the Native village. The Natives have become highly irritated by all the little school boys assembled and have decided to teach them a lesson. Their hunters prepare to kill all the white boys.
As the battle is about to begin, the Fly Lord swoops down. “Buzz! Buzz!”
Eveyone stops in utter fear. It is the Fly Lord! The natives begin bowing down towards this new god. The white boys are a bit more civilized and already have a proper religion. They proclaim him First Consul, Executive of the Directory of the Island, Duke of the South Pacific, Protector of Parliament, Magistrate, Praetor Maximus, President, Chairman of the Leadership committee, Prime Minister, Commander in Chief, Commander of the Defensive force and Home Guard, High Priest of God, Cheif Economic Administrator, and Lord of the Flies. They then bow down towards him.
“What does the Fly Lord want?” Biff asks his new bloated Master.
“He wants Blood!” Says the crowd. “Let’s sacrifice each other!” The boys and native begin fighting to throw the weakest one to the Lord of the Flies. Arms and legs go flying everywhere. The boys use their superior firepower against each other and the natives. The natives use their spears, because they are stupid natives. Eventually one weakened boy is beaten up and thrown before the fly lords. And the fly lord eats him!
The boys and natives keep this virtual up of feeding the fly. The weakest one is fed to this hideous creature. Soon they start running low on little children to feed.
“What are we going to do” asks Biff? "Our highly evolved civilization had devolved into human sacrifice.”
“De Cardaginians and Aztecs wuz able t'keep de two togeder. Ah be baaad... In fact da damn Aztecs wuz great warrio's, plum likes us. It’s not all baaaad.” Says Ralph.
Suddenly a white haired man emerges from the desert. He has long beard and is wearing a flowing robe, dirty robe. He is carrying a wooden staff.
“Who are you?” asks Biff.
“I am Simon and I have the power of Deus Ex Machina!!! Kneel before Christ!” He says, the latter part of his words bellowing (hence the words are in bold and are larger).
“I will save you from the Fly Lord!” Simon says.
“How is you goin' t'do dat? He be all powerful. Everyone be afraid uh him. WORD! He demands some blood sacrifice o' else he gots'ta kill us all” says Ralph.
“Do not worry my child. Though the wages of sin is death, I will redeem you all.” Says Simon
A little while latter the weekly ritual of sacrificing someone to the Fly Lord takes places. A week little child falls in the struggle and he is chosen to be sacrificed. The Fly Lord looks at him greedily. “Buzz!”
He is about to eat him. But suddenly Peter shows up and swats the Fly Lord with The Fly Swatter of Antioch! And the Fly begins to melt. “No yer defeat me! Struth! And Now I 'ave cockney workin' class accent. Yer 'ave made a fool of me! Struth! I will 'ave me revenge on yer Simon in this story or the bloomin' inevitable sequel.”
“M judgement has separated the lambs from the Goat. You are going to burn in a lake of fire for your sins!” Says Simon.
Hurray! Right on! We is saved! Right on!” says Biff.
“There is one fin' yer didn’t take into account, my fly summonin' power. Muhahahha! Struth!” Says Porky.
Suddenly flies descend on the island. There are so many that they block out the sun. Everyone is running around trieing to get away from the icky flies. But Pete is quick thinking. He pulls out the Bug Spray of the Lord!!! He sprays it and kills all the flies. Then he sprays Piggy for good measure. And everyone lives happily ever after.