Who Would Win a Fight: Molotov Edition

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Re: Who Would Win a Fight: Molotov Edition

Postby Gesar » 04:46:48 Saturday, 03 August, 2013

MOLOTOV TONIGHT


"...the mysterious 'Admin' account has so far declined to comment.Snacks for the Snacks God! In lighter news, here's our sports team and their blow-by-blow coverage of the Fight Club craze that's been sweeping Molotov!When will the violence end, my God, when?"

South Central Los Angeles, California: Today seemed kind of odd for RinKou. After a pork-less breakfast, Rin left his house with his girlfriend to return Upon arrival, however, something indeed seemed rather odd. A sailor was standing in the abandoned parking lot, seemingly waiting for his arrival. It was Tellos.

Unfortunately for Tellos, the navy he was in is the Village People kind. Not the kill people kind.

Suffice it to say, the fight did not last long. RinKou the bitch killer/cap peeler opened up with his trademarked Tiger Style and closed with the feared Mouse of Humility, perfected in his years of dance halling every day. Tellos crumpled to the ground, unable to tap out or cry stop. The coroners arrived in ten minutes.

At least one person Rin knew died in South Central LA. He'd have to say it was a good day.

Killaly, Saskatchewan: Most of another quiet day passed at the Red River Bakery, and after a brief chat about women and cars CWestfall politely and respectfully asked his boss for the rest of the day off. The head pastry chef was about to agree when out of nowhere a posh English accent cried "OBJECTION!" Setting his law textbook down, Red River Bakery's chief shareholder brushed the dust off his suit and swung a punch in Westfall's direction.

Westfall parried, using his knowledge of physics to land a blow on Huojin's ear, all the while screaming a savage war cry taken right from the latest Boards of Canada album. The Traitor Tamil and the Damn Canadian thus danced the dance of death, both using the techniques as minutes, hours, ages passed by.

Or, if we want to get technical, 38 seconds. Turns out being a science major and part-time pastry chef isn't very helpful when fighting a guy who knows martial arts and has several inches on you. CWestfall lives, but just barely.

Fort Worth, Texas: The post-apocalyptic scenery of Fort Worth provided the perfect backdrop for this fight. In the grim darkness of an independent Texas, there is no further backstory (or infrastructure), only Fight Club.

Seeking to end it before it begins, Goofy pulls out a gun, only to find that it's jammed. For a second, he feels his heartbeat stop, but soon recovers. An enraged Snacks charges Goofy, who messed with Texas a few too many times. Mr. McCoy sidesteps the attack, and kicks uselessly at the Salmon. In the grim darkness etc. etc., taekwondo still sucks.

However, Snacks' anger being what it is, soon the GIF master is able to wear him down. A blow to the head knocks the Texan to the ground, who cries "stop". Seeking to make amends, Goofy helps his friend back to his feet. Inspired by this show of bro-ittude, Snacks starts a career as a trainer with his BRO BRO BRO Gesar.

Chichen Itza, Mexico: It has been centuries since human sacrifices took place at the Sacred Cenote, but that all changed today. After clearing the ruined city of gringo touristas, Rising Phoenix utters three dreaded words: "Argentina. Es. Blanca."

With this, the gods leave Rising Phoenix to his fate, and the power of the Cosmic Race is solely OYID's. His right arm transforms into an obsidian blade, and soon Rising Phoenix finds himself headless, sacrificed to the ancient gods of Mesoamerica.

OYID ate his heart to gain his courage, but evidently there wasn't much of that go around.

Catskill Mountains, New York: BgKnight was on a mission. Not for the mob, this time, or for the European Union, but for himself. Scorpion was a threat to the New Balkan Order, and for that he would be destroyed.

Or would he?

It seemed he would indeed. Scorpion was prepared, to be sure, but not prepared enough. Years of genocide have shedded BgKnight of his humanity, and the onslaught was far more brutal than anything Scorpion could have expected. Strength was no match for skill and ruthlessness, and for every dodge, parry, and counterstrike he managed (which were many), the New Yorker suffered a blow threefold. In the end, Scorpion is forced to yield, but survives only because he is not a Turk.

The Haughs o' Cromdale, Scotland: Serenissima came in by Auchindoon (boond ta the Hielands) and was a wee bit frae the toun when the Great Coinneach upon him came (in tartan trews). A bloody battle then began upon the Haughs o' Cromdale. And so on and so forth.

Serenissima doffs his admiral's hat, and attempts to parley with the gent, but either Scotland has suffered too much at the hands of the English or they can't understand English. Take your pick. Serenissima responds to the charging Scot by drawing his sword, only to find the blade snapped in half by Coinneach's bare hands and himself tossed like a caber.

When Seren lands, he decides enough is enough, and like any good Englishmen, tries to run away to gather an army to punish the insolence. Clambering after him, Coinneach manages to catch up, and despite a sucker punch to the groin, he easily overpowers Serenissima. Just to prove that even Scotsmen can be gentlemen, Serenissima is allowed to cry "stop!". The battle for Cromdale is over, but the war for Britain has just begun.

Hólmavík, Iceland: The search for the Icelandic Dream had not gone well. Like any good Vice documentary, the trip was fraught with peril and angry natives brandishing machetes and/or ancestral battle-axes. They were at the Museum of Icelandic Witchcraft and Sorcery, and having took too much, Gesar knew he was in too deep, while Smyg wanted to press on. This was his place.

To emphasize this, Smyg slapped the Maoist like a bitch (on the part of both parties), and his runic tattoos began to glow. The fearsome combination of Xanax and Sprite suddenly lost its hold on Gesar's psyche, and the inner ruthlessness of all good Maoists returned to him. He began to taunt the Norseman, and the ancient song of leftist infighting began again.

When the mutual name-calling finally stopped, with the curator busy trying to contact Chief of Police Björk, the actual fight began. Smyg rained down his berserker fury on Gesar, but with the Minnesotan used to the abuses and pain of a job in the low-pay high-stress barbecue industry, the blows were suffered with only minimal passive-aggressive comment. Then he fought back, and the song entered into a crescendo. Smyg, exhausted, tripped Gesar up, only to find himself brought to the ground. Much hair-pulling, eye-scratching, and groin-punching began, until the phrase "stop" finally came from the bruised (but definitely not bloodied) lips of Smyg Kommunisten.

Rochester, Minnesota: The Mayo Clinic was in the process of switching shifts when brawling could be heard from Patient TRC's room. It would seem that Orago was in a hurry to get this life insurance money and move to Canada ASAP. Or perhaps he was just out for blood.

At any rate, TRC's football skills came in some handy, and the fight, like the Smyg-Gesar one, quickly turned nasty. The two youths fought back and forth. Bones broke, scratches suffered, and spleens ruptured. But in the end, the craziest man won.

Now Orago could afford to finally rule Wurm Online.

"*stifled sobbing sound* Where have all the flowers gone? *sniff*...and that's it for the Fight Club report! Round two will be reported on Monday, August 5th!"

Molotov Fight Club


Current bracket
Current Round: Elite Eight (Quarterfinals)

Same rules as last time. I'll go ahead and start this. Remember, the reports are just flavor, so assume everybody's rested and recovered.

Upcoming fights:
Rin "The Shaolin Shadowboxer" Kou vs. "The Right Honourable Lord Smackdown" Huojin
New York Stock Exchange Board Room, New York, New York


Rin strikes me as a little more courageous than Huojin, as well as a bit better at martial arts and fighting dirty. Edge: Rin

Goofy "That Time Again" McCoy vs. "El Chupacabra qon Cheddar" OYID
Border Crossing, El Paso, Texas


As much as I love OYID, I think Goofy has size, strength, and experience on his side. OYID has the gods, but so did the Aztecs. Edge: Goofy
BG "The Vulgar Bulgar" Knight vs. "Braveheart Redux" Coinneach
A Smoke-filled Room, Little Russia, London


Tough one, here. Coinneach has the better physical attributes (height and weight), I think, and would probably be smarter at conserving his energy. BG, however, could probably end it quicker. Guess it goes to whoever can do their respective things better. I'll abstain on that for the time being.

Gesar "Does" Dallas vs. "Taking out a life insurance policy on all you fuckers" Orago
Allegheny Mountain Tunnel, Pennsylvania Turnpike, Pennsylvania

I know Orago's seen some shit, but I'm gonna flat out say that my guess is that he isn't very physically active. Guy plays a lot of Wurm and Paradox games. We love him for it, but he'll be the first one to tell you most of what he does is sitting at home. So that's manual labor in my favor, as well as patience/willingness to be an asshole. I'm also willing to guess I've been in a few more fistfights than him, though probably not many.

There. That only took three hours. Go ahead and vote, guys.
Saenwyn: A Song of Ashes: Storyteller

Louisiana 1792: Fils de la Révolution: Monsieur le Commissaire de l'Intérieur Thomas Francois Jérôme Cossard, Mayor of Saint-Louis and editor of L'Ami de la République
Liberty in Dark Waters: Leopold Karl von Stenhielm, Baron af Rödesund, Knight and Commander of the Orders of His Majesty the King, convicted traitor
Balance of Power 1968: Mwalimu Julius Nyerere, President and Baba wa Taifa of the United Republic of Tanzania

Smyg wrote:The history of all hitherto existing society is the history of Gesar coping with being a total fucking a-grade revolutionary thinker


Spoiler:
#DraftGesar

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Re: Who Would Win a Fight: Molotov Edition

Postby Orago » 05:08:06 Saturday, 03 August, 2013

Rinkou vs. Huojin

The grand battle of the Asian-American / Indian-Brit. Rinkou lives near LA and Huojin lives in London, both can be tough cities, so I'm sure they've both been beaten senselessly before. However, Rinkou seems to eat nothing but expensive healthy shit like almond butter so I bet he's more physically fit. Edge: Rinkou

Goofy vs. Oyid

Goofy really beats Oyid in height and weight, but Oyid is pretty quick and something about Mexicans makes me think of dirty fighting. If Goofy wears a cup, I'd say Goofy's strength will beat Oyid's speed (see: Speedy Gonzales). Edge: Goofy

Coinneach vs. Bgknight

I can see a visit to little Russia quickly escalate to a drunken brawl between the Bulgarian and the Scot. It will come down to who can consume more alcohol without becoming too impaired. While I'm sure BgKnight can down vodka by the galleons, Coinneach is indeed a true Scot and as we all know, they are renowned for their drinking prowess. Plus Coinneach is physically larger, although I'm sure BgKnight has the speed factor going on. Edge: Coinneach

Orago vs. Gesar

I'm much taller than Gesar. He lives in Minnesota and I have lived in Forbe's sixth most dangerous city, Cleveland, my whole life. However, I'll be the first to tell you I'm no fighter. :P I'd say Gesar would win, but barely. Edge: Gesar

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Re: Who Would Win a Fight: Molotov Edition

Postby Snacks » 09:22:12 Saturday, 03 August, 2013

Rinkou vs. Huojin in: A Tale of Two Bougies

Now, both these boys got some martial arts chops, and both are also bougie as all hell, but RinKou has the soul of a poet. A warrior-poet. Emphasis of the warrior part, not on the poetry part. Also NYC shows no love to two things: homo thugs, and brown people causin a ruckus, which Huojin is.

Advantage: Rin and thanks to the DHS, NYPD, and NSA: America

Goofy vs. Oyid in: The Three Burials of OYID Langbenstrada

A two-man Mexican standoff with only one Mexican. Goofy had the chops to take me down, but unlike OYID he don't practice Santeria, he ain't got no crystal ball. This one is up in the air.

No Advantage

Coinneach vs. Bgknight in: Eastern Promises, Scotch Whisky

Once again two tough opponents, seemingly evenly matched. However despite their fight being in Little Russia, they are still in the British Isles, where the fury of oppressed Celts flows through the leylines like alcohol flows through an Irishman.

Advantage: Coinneach

Orago vs. Gesar in: Trouble Hunters

Now, I could tell that the color of Orago's eyes were the color of insanity, but Gesar had one thing that Orago didn't: me as a trainer, full of sage Texas wisdom, which makes you all the more wise because you have to first figure out how to understand what I'm even talking about. And yeah, we got ourselves a fight song; for the wool they'll pull over your eyes.

Advantage: Gesar

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Re: Who Would Win a Fight: Molotov Edition

Postby RinKou » 18:27:14 Saturday, 03 August, 2013

Rinkou vs. Huojin in: A Tale of Two Bougies

Now this is a fight. If I'm reading Huo's Which GoT Character can you Height Stomp? post correctly, he's got a good couple inches on me. But I also remember Snacks saying something about Brits being little manlets so maybe that's not the case and I'm just reading it wrong.

That being said, everybody's right above when they say I am much more confident/courageous than Huo, that my body is as disciplined as my mind and spirit, and like Snacks said, I've been known to slam a hype ass verse every once in a while.

Huo, can you dig it like a spigot?
My guess is yes you can like I can kick it wicked.
Wheatgrass shot if you bougie and you know it,
As you clap your hands to the dick shots of this poet flowin'

Goofy vs. Oyid in: The Three Burials of OYID Langbenstrada

Honestly, Goofy's a big guy, and a sailor at that. While I'm sure it would be fairly close, Goofy probably would be able to walk away from this one.

Edge: Goofy

Coinneach vs. Bgknight in: Eastern Promises, Scotch Whisky

This is another tough one. Coin's been made out to be a fairly formidable opponent here, but I think if it came down to it, Scorp would be able to win that fight. And by the transitive property, since Bg beat Scorp, he'd probably be able to take Coin as well. He's definitely got a height advantage, but Bg just strikes me as the better scrapper.

Edge: Bg

Orago vs. Gesar in: Trouble Hunters

Orago's a dirty fighter, I think we've all agreed on. I know it's hopeless, but even Smyg ain't big enough to hold Ges back. I'm gonna say Snacks is right. Ges hunts for trouble tonight.

Edge: Gesar
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Re: Who Would Win a Fight: Molotov Edition

Postby Gesar » 18:53:52 Saturday, 03 August, 2013

I've decided after some thought that Coinneach's probably intelligent enough to fight BG on his own terms, while the Vulgar Bulgar is probably a better fighter but not as quick. Edge: Wha'll be King but Coinneach?
Saenwyn: A Song of Ashes: Storyteller

Louisiana 1792: Fils de la Révolution: Monsieur le Commissaire de l'Intérieur Thomas Francois Jérôme Cossard, Mayor of Saint-Louis and editor of L'Ami de la République
Liberty in Dark Waters: Leopold Karl von Stenhielm, Baron af Rödesund, Knight and Commander of the Orders of His Majesty the King, convicted traitor
Balance of Power 1968: Mwalimu Julius Nyerere, President and Baba wa Taifa of the United Republic of Tanzania

Smyg wrote:The history of all hitherto existing society is the history of Gesar coping with being a total fucking a-grade revolutionary thinker


Spoiler:
#DraftGesar

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Re: Who Would Win a Fight: Molotov Edition

Postby Langben » 19:45:10 Saturday, 03 August, 2013

Serenissima wrote:I do think you're all underestimating by lack of information. I am at least a little prepared.


Dammit, I would have voted for the guy with a flintlock pistol and some fancy swords. I'll start this round with this.

Rin "The Shaolin Shadowboxer" Kou vs. "The Right Honourable Lord Smackdown" Huojin
New York Stock Exchange Board Room, New York, New York


Wall Street is a huge home court advantage for those who wield the law as a weapon against their fellow man. As well, a board room means tables and chairs and all sorts of weapons, and while Huojin may have misread the GoT size chart in converting to metric, unless Rinkou can channel some Jackie Chan prop-play, I've got to give it to the (Legal) Bar Brawlin' Bruiser.
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Re: Who Would Win a Fight: Molotov Edition

Postby Rising Phoenix » 22:54:19 Saturday, 03 August, 2013

Gesar wrote:Chichen Itza, Mexico: It has been centuries since human sacrifices took place at the Sacred Cenote, but that all changed today. After clearing the ruined city of gringo touristas, Rising Phoenix utters three dreaded words: "Argentina. Es. Blanca."

With this, the gods leave Rising Phoenix to his fate, and the power of the Cosmic Race is solely OYID's. His right arm transforms into an obsidian blade, and soon Rising Phoenix finds himself headless, sacrificed to the ancient gods of Mesoamerica.

OYID ate his heart to gain his courage, but evidently there wasn't much of that go around.

Through hand gestures and other stuff I make it clear that I will recover and that, as a matter of fact, I do not suscribe to the "White Argentina" thing and I also think Peron was rather lame. I am of Franco-Italian heritage though, so I would not mind possing as European if the situation required it. But would never pose as an English. Maybe Scottish or Welsh if I could pull off the accent, but never English! :P
Gesar wrote:
Rin "The Shaolin Shadowboxer" Kou vs. "The Right Honourable Lord Smackdown" Huojin
New York Stock Exchange Board Room, New York, New York

RinKou, use your martial knowledge and beat the monarchist back to Britain! Go, RinKou!
Gesar wrote:
Goofy "That Time Again" McCoy vs. "El Chupacabra qon Cheddar" OYID
Border Crossing, El Paso, Texas

Goofy... You must avenge me! Use your Internet Awesomeness and blast his mind to the next galaxy! May the memes be with you, Goofy!
Gesar wrote:
BG "The Vulgar Bulgar" Knight vs. "Braveheart Redux" Coinneach
A Smoke-filled Room, Little Russia, London


But of them have considerable awesome on their side, but BG may very well be show the world one thing: You do not mess with the sons of Bulgaria. Like, never. Unless you want to like the Ottoman Empire. BG.
Gesar wrote:
Gesar "Does" Dallas vs. "Taking out a life insurance policy on all you fuckers" Orago
Allegheny Mountain Tunnel, Pennsylvania Turnpike, Pennsylvania

While naturally Gesar has the edge in a lot of fields here, I am compelled to stick out for the little guy. Orago, may fortune favour you!

Edit: Fixed format.

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Re: Who Would Win a Fight: Molotov Edition

Postby Langben » 05:14:04 Wednesday, 07 August, 2013

Goofy "That Time Again" McCoy vs. "El Chupacabra qon Cheddar" OYID
Border Crossing, El Paso, Texas


Apparently I'm stomping around Texas wielding eldritch .gif magick. I meet OYID at the fence with "Bonus nachos, Uh-may-go" and a stiff tackle.

BG "The Vulgar Bulgar" Knight vs. "Braveheart Redux" Coinneach
A Smoke-filled Room, Little Russia, London


Perhaps too close to call, but I'll play fickle fate and say the last man standing after a knock down, drag out beat-fest is The Bulgar.

Gesar "Does" Dallas vs. "Taking out a life insurance policy on all you fuckers" Orago
Allegheny Mountain Tunnel, Pennsylvania Turnpike, Pennsylvania


He's trying to talk himself out of it now, but I bet once they're in that dark tunnel and he realizes he has nowhere to go but through the other guy, Orago gets at Gesar like a trapped rat, enough to trip him up and shove him into oncoming traffic. Insurance Fraud 101 FTW
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Re: Who Would Win a Fight: Molotov Edition

Postby Flamelord » 18:31:50 Wednesday, 07 August, 2013

Rinkou vs Huojin

These two are bro's, let's be honest. Rin's a poet, which gives him an immediate advantage over those uncreative lawyer types, Huojin also has the blood of his oppressed Tamil brothers flowing through him. And Tamil's aren't to be messed with. Rin will add the rhythm, but it will be Huojin laying down the beat(down)

Goofy vs OYID

It's Texas vs Mexico, and I expect this to go the way the last fight those two places had. OYID may get an advantage playing dirty, but Goofy will break out the big guns, and it'll be all over. Goofy wins.

Bgknight vs Coinneach

While I have immense respect for our Scottish rogue, the fact is that I know our pet Bulgar has much fighting experience, and I wouldn't put it past him to know drunken boxing either. It will be a fight for the ages, but i think the winner will be BgKnight

Gesar vs Orago

Orago tries some Elder Scrolls magic or something, but sadly it doesn't work on Minnesotan communists (as if that's all we can boil him down to). Gesar will win.

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Re: Who Would Win a Fight: Molotov Edition

Postby OYID » 05:27:56 Thursday, 08 August, 2013

LIGHTNING ROUND


Rinkou vs Huojin

Huojin Huojin


Goofy vs OYID

Goofy Goofy


Bgknight vs Coinneach

BG BG


Gesar vs Orago

Orago Orago
1968: Cuba.

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Re: Who Would Win a Fight: Molotov Edition

Postby Gesar » 18:37:46 Thursday, 08 August, 2013

Voting for this round closed. Will tally the results tonight.
Saenwyn: A Song of Ashes: Storyteller

Louisiana 1792: Fils de la Révolution: Monsieur le Commissaire de l'Intérieur Thomas Francois Jérôme Cossard, Mayor of Saint-Louis and editor of L'Ami de la République
Liberty in Dark Waters: Leopold Karl von Stenhielm, Baron af Rödesund, Knight and Commander of the Orders of His Majesty the King, convicted traitor
Balance of Power 1968: Mwalimu Julius Nyerere, President and Baba wa Taifa of the United Republic of Tanzania

Smyg wrote:The history of all hitherto existing society is the history of Gesar coping with being a total fucking a-grade revolutionary thinker


Spoiler:
#DraftGesar

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Re: Who Would Win a Fight: Molotov Edition

Postby Huojin » 18:49:57 Thursday, 08 August, 2013

(Buzzed Gesar on IRC because I totally forgot this, just throwing out Goofy, Coinneach, Gesar. And I could totally take down RinRin :3)

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Re: Who Would Win a Fight: Molotov Edition

Postby Gesar » 06:18:00 Friday, 16 August, 2013

Half done, just need to like, apply myself, which is difficult lately.
Saenwyn: A Song of Ashes: Storyteller

Louisiana 1792: Fils de la Révolution: Monsieur le Commissaire de l'Intérieur Thomas Francois Jérôme Cossard, Mayor of Saint-Louis and editor of L'Ami de la République
Liberty in Dark Waters: Leopold Karl von Stenhielm, Baron af Rödesund, Knight and Commander of the Orders of His Majesty the King, convicted traitor
Balance of Power 1968: Mwalimu Julius Nyerere, President and Baba wa Taifa of the United Republic of Tanzania

Smyg wrote:The history of all hitherto existing society is the history of Gesar coping with being a total fucking a-grade revolutionary thinker


Spoiler:
#DraftGesar

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Re: Who Would Win a Fight: Molotov Edition

Postby OYID » 06:28:40 Friday, 16 August, 2013

Do it or the Headless Chicken Fish will eat the soap.
1968: Cuba.

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Re: Who Would Win a Fight: Molotov Edition

Postby Gesar » 06:55:57 Friday, 16 August, 2013

OYID wrote:Do it or the Headless Chicken Fish will eat the soap.

EY ESE AYE DON'T CARRRE IF JOOR A FEESH JOO HAFF TO BUY THE SOAP
Saenwyn: A Song of Ashes: Storyteller

Louisiana 1792: Fils de la Révolution: Monsieur le Commissaire de l'Intérieur Thomas Francois Jérôme Cossard, Mayor of Saint-Louis and editor of L'Ami de la République
Liberty in Dark Waters: Leopold Karl von Stenhielm, Baron af Rödesund, Knight and Commander of the Orders of His Majesty the King, convicted traitor
Balance of Power 1968: Mwalimu Julius Nyerere, President and Baba wa Taifa of the United Republic of Tanzania

Smyg wrote:The history of all hitherto existing society is the history of Gesar coping with being a total fucking a-grade revolutionary thinker


Spoiler:
#DraftGesar


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